


He Was Three

by NerdyChick321



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, One Shot, Poor little ben solo, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 19:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5883526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdyChick321/pseuds/NerdyChick321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo was three years old when the whispers started, dark, nebulous things flitting about the edges of his consciousness, making him vaguely uneasy at best and terrifying him at worst. </p>
<p>A friend was texting me about how, per the SW:TFA novelization, Ben Solo was just three years old when Snoke started whispering to him through the Force. Then this happened. I’m sorry (I’m not sorry).</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Was Three

     Ben Solo was three years old when the whispers started, dark, nebulous things flitting about the edges of his consciousness, making him vaguely uneasy at best and terrifying him at worst. With the whispers came the nightmares and  running to climb into bed with his parents night after night, burying his face in his tiny fists with his father’s strong arms engulfing him in comforting warmth as his mother hummed a sleepy lullaby . But that doesn't help, doesn't stop the hateful whispers. They laugh cruelly at him, back off for a few hours but Ben can still feel them, lurking. 

     Even when he's older, the whispers still scare him. He doesn't understand why this happens to him, doesn't think he can talk to anyone about it though. What if they think he's crazy? He worries he's crazy. Ben wants to be good, but worries he's not. It's what the voice in his head tells him after all. Constantly whispering, some nights not letting him sleep at all. Still haunting him with nightmares. Some nights he wants to run to the safety of his parents’ bed like he used to but he tells himself he's too old for that. He's just too weak, needs to become stronger. But how? The voice in his head has some suggestions. 

     It becomes clearer and clearer as Ben grows that he’s disturbed. His parents can't help but notice. Leia has suspected, almost known, for years but she'd hoped it would go away, hoped she could love her son hard enough to quiet the whispers in his head. Han isn't Force-sensitive, he doesn't pick up on such intangible things as quickly. Sure, the kid had nightmares but all kids do, right? He did think Ben was a tad sensitive and sometimes rather quiet but he didn't care. His little boy was perfect and he loved him. By the time Ben turns ten though, even Han can't deny something is undoubtedly wrong. He and Leia are up late into the night so frequently these days, exchanging concerned murmurs while their little boy can't sleep just a few rooms away. Sometimes they can hear him crying, softly, so softly, thinking they can't hear but they do. They have to do something.

     It's Leia's idea to send Ben with Luke as he trains a new generation of Jedi. She doesn't want to send him away, she loves Ben with all her heart and wants him near her but she knows it’s what must be done. She and Luke have both known of Ben’s abilities for awhile. Leia initially resisted Luke’s desire to train him, to teach him. She knew it would mean sending her precious son away. But now...it might be the only chance he has. If Ben can learn to use the Force, maybe he can protect his mind himself. Block out the whispers. It'll be hard, but she'll visit, she assures Ben, hugging him tightly as he sniffles. He doesn't want to go. She knows. But he wants to be good and he can tell Leia wants him to train with his uncle. He's trying so hard to be good. Trying to be strong. The voice tells him a strong boy wouldn't cry. A strong boy could leave his mother and go train in the ways of the Force. This is how he'll get stronger. So he wipes away his tears, tries to stop his lip trembling, and gives his mom one last hug goodbye, holding on to her like a damn lifeline before going to trail his uncle, looking very, very small. This is the last time he hugs his mother. The last time she sees her son. 

     Things are fine initially. Ben is a quick study, the Force is strong with him. He delights in learning how to use it and pays rapt attention to all Luke's teachings. He does show a bit of a mischievous streak but what young boy doesn't? Being this close to his nephew, Luke can sense the darkness whispering in Ben's head, tries to shield him from it as best he can but it's far too late for that, it's ingrained. It's deeply entrenched in Ben's head now. Oh well, Ben seems to ignore it for the most part. Luke will watch him closely. The sleeplessness and the nightmares don't stop but Ben is used to them. They'll go away when he's strong. He just has to work harder, train harder. The voice tells him he's stronger than the others. It's a competition and Ben is the best.  _ Prove it, show them, _ the voice tells him. Ben becomes proud, almost arrogant. Luke is surprised. This isn't the sweet, almost shy little kid he knew. Ben goads the others into competition, not healthy competition either. Ben teases, plays tricks. Luke tries to talk to him about these things. Ben laughs at him. Silly Uncle Luke. It's just a harmless joke.  _ Silly Uncle Luke, _ the voice echoes,  _ always taking things too seriously. _

     The teasing, the jokes, they become more mean-spirited over time. Ben isn't so sensitive anymore. He's becoming stronger. The voice congratulates him. The voice suggests Ben could probably win in a fight against any of the other young padawans. Ben thinks he could too. Luke wouldn't think that. Luke doesn't want him to fight the others. Not real fights, just silly pretend fights, training. Never a true test of strength, of skill. It's because Luke doesn't want Ben to know how strong he is. Luke wants to be the most powerful always, he's trying to hold Ben back. How  _ dare  _ he. Ben will show him. Ben doesn't play tricks or tease anymore. Ben picks fights, he intimidates and scares the others. Sometimes they cry. Ben laughs. How weak. He's disgusted that he used to be that weak too.  _ Shhhh,  _ the voice says,  _ not anymore, you're not _ . 

     The voice has started having a face too, and a body. It scared Ben at first. No, it would have scared a weak person, the old Ben. But Ben is strong now. Thanks to the voice. The voice has a name. Snoke. Snoke is proud of Ben, wants to help Ben grow even stronger. He tells Ben he could be the strongest ever. Like his grandfather. He shows Ben how powerful his grandfather had been, tells him about the great Anakin Skywalker. Mom had never said much about his grandparents. She never wanted to talk about it.  _ She didn't want you to know _ . Didn't want Ben to know the same blood, the same legacy, the same power courses through his veins. She was selfish. She wanted her son to be weak so he would never leave her side. So selfish. Ben could be as powerful, as strong, as respected as his grandfather. Snoke can show him how. Snoke can teach him so many things Luke cannot. Luke is weak. Ben reflects. Of course Luke is weak. It's so obvious. How had he never noticed before. His parents too. They were all working together all this time to keep him down. Ben is furious. Ben destroys his room with his light saber. Luke is deeply concerned. Luke talks to Ben about anger and controlling one’s emotions. Ben sits and listens, fists clenched. He's furious. How dare Luke lecture him like this. As if Luke knows more, can  _ do  _ more than Ben. Ben had never felt more powerful than when causing wholesale destruction because he was angry. 

     They want him to stay away from those emotions because of the power they give, Snoke tells him. Snoke can show him how to use those emotions to channel his energy and become ever more powerful. Snoke would love to show Ben, but unfortunately he has to be in person to properly teach. Snoke cannot come there. Luke, in his feeble-minded selfishness, would never let him. Ben will have to come to Snoke. But how to get away? Snoke suggests many times that Ben come to him. Ben is hesitant. Something doesn't feel right. Snoke chides him.  _ How disgustingly weak of you, Ben. What would Anakin say if he knew his grandson was so...timid? _ Still, Ben resists. He feels he is standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering on the precipice of some great ledge. He knows if he leaves, he can't come back. He so wants to be strong. And yet. Something holds him back.  _ That's the weakness, the Light _ , Snoke hisses angrily,  _ it must be purged _ . Suddenly, Snoke is calm. Ben is relieved, though he tries to hide it. Snoke has been scaring him. Snoke is calm with self-assuredness. He smiles, but it makes Ben go cold. Not like when his parents had smiled at him.  _ No matter _ , Snoke sneers. Snoke tells Ben he is sure Ben will make the right decision in the end.  _ Soon, my apprentice. _ Ben shivers in the hot light of this planet’s suns. 

     Luke receives an important transmission the next day. Some unknown urgent matter has come up, requiring his immediate attention and presence. He'll only be gone one night. They'll be ok without him, without his ever-vigilant protection. Ben's been doing better lately. Luke doesn't like to leave him so unshielded, so vulnerable, but he has no choice. It's just one night, after all. 

     Ben has nightmares that night, horrible ones. Worse than any he's had in a long time, possibly ever. They're so vivid, so real. He almost would think he wasn't dreaming but he has no control of his actions. Ben dreams of the vicious slaughter of all his classmates. He's crying, he doesn't care if it's weak, this is ghastly. “I'm sorry!” He shouts over and over again until his throat is raw as he effortlessly knocks aside their defenses and mercilessly kills them all. One after the other, slaughtered, until he is left alone, standing in the dark, soaked in rain and the blood of his fellow padawans. He is trembling, trying desperately to wake up. But he doesn't. He's just there alone. Well, that's not true. Snoke is there.  _ Well done, Ben _ . Snoke is proud of him. Ben was very strong to do that. Now Ben should come at once to Snoke. He has no other choice. Look what Ben has done. What will Luke say when he returns? What will Luke do? Ben has no choice. Luke will kill him. Or take Ben back to his parents and tell them what he'd done. His parents would want Luke to kill him. A monster. That's what he is now. Ben wants Luke to kill him. Ben has no choice. No one will forgive him, trust him, love him, after this. They wouldn't understand. Snoke understands. Snoke is proud. Snoke wants to teach Ben to be even more powerful.  _ You have no choice, Ben _ . So Ben goes, numbly. He knows how to fly the small shuttle parked not too far away. Chewie and his dad...it hurts to think of Han as his dad. Han would never call him his son again, not after this. Just Han then. Chewie and Han had taught him everything there was to know about ships and flying from the time he was very small. Snoke shows Ben the way, gives Ben a map to him and Ben goes. Ben has no choice.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed and please forgive me. I’m drowning in this pain and I need to drag others down to hell with me. Stay tuned, similar drabble regarding Hux’s childhood to follow. Don’t worry, it will be happy (it won’t be).


End file.
